It’s been a number of weeks since I found out my latest pregnancy was ectopic, and a few since it officially ended. I can quite honestly say it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. The pain was unbearable at times both mentally and physically.
Now we have come out of the other side still in a sort of state of Limbo.
Will the ectopic pregnancy have blocked up my tube again? If not will we ever manage to get pregnant again? Can I/we emotionally go through that again?
I’m not 100% sure, I’d say around 95%. I think the want to grow our family is still stronger than the fear of what could go wrong. So no doubt we will try again. It’s all just a bit too raw at the moment. I’ve been advised not to try for another baby for a while – the drugs they pumped me with to end my pregnancy completely wiped out my immune system so that needs to be stabilised first.
What I’ve taken from this is that I bloody love our NHS. Without them I would never have been able to get pregnant in the first place and the care I received over the weeks and constant hospital visits has been great (the wait times have left a little to be desired at times). I have been treated with respect, I have been pretty much in control with all decisions being left for us to decide ourselves (I’m aware this would not have been an option if things had got worse).
The staff have been all I wanted them to be brief, clear and sincere. They’ve been there when I’ve phoned them at 4am in agony thinking I’m about to die to calm and comfort me. They let me cry when I needed too. They’ve left us in peace when I’ve changed my mind about things at the last minute.
Then there’s the Mr – I would never have got through this without him. He’s held me as I’ve cried in agony, he’s held me as I’ve cried from grief. He’s sat in waiting rooms with me for hours at a time. He’s brought me coffees, he made me eat. He’s tried him damned best to make me look after myself. He sorted out the kids while I was in a zombie state. He’s understood. He’s been through it with me and now I love him even more.
I still have a wobble and randomly burst into tears. I get grumpy and moody and think life’s not fair. There are tough times to come I know that already. New family babies being born next year will come with a mix of joy and grief. My due date will come and go. I’ll get through it because I have to. I’ll get through it because I want to.
I’m not OK yet – but that’s OK.